Annoying

I cannot comprehend how annoying I am.

It fills my aura, a constant cloud of fluttering annoyance, a big yellow warning sign for the people around me:

DO NOT BEFRIEND THIS GIRL

I am filled with a hatred for myself that penetrates deeper than my skin, it is a black ball that hides within me and won’t leave.

I’m not sure I want it to.

I can feel the people around me becoming more and more frustrated by my antics.

A passive “hi” from the person I’ve just smiled my greeting to in a study room.

The change in atmosphere that a room has as I enter.

Every tiny detail I have learned to recognise in not only my friends, but in complete strangers.

I am annoying.

I bug people.

I am a distraction.

Nobody would ever say it to my face, of course, it’d be rude.

However I am not stupid.

I am very self aware.

I know that I am annoying but that makes it harder because I don’t know how to stop.

How to make amends to the opinions people hold.

How to change.

I say things sometimes, I speak without thinking, and sometimes these things spark the one comment that makes me feel both sick and tearful.

“You’re becoming like a certain someone”

The “someone” is a girl in my class. She is lovely but annoying as she doesn’t have the best array of social skills.

And if I am becoming like that then I am becoming even more of a disgusting excuse for a human than I already am.

I have been thinking, about my annoyingness and how much people must despise being around me, but do it anyway out of social niceties.

And I have decided

I will change.

Today was the thing that did it: I tapped a friend on the shoulder to say hi as I entered the room, she looked up, muttered a short reply and carried on with what she was doing.

You might think I am overreacting,

That she was simple just busy.

However, it happens all the time,

And after the 10th occurrence of this event, I realised the correlation:

Me.

My constant need for reassurance.

My craving for attention.

My disgusting personality.

And so, I will change.