I cannot comprehend how annoying I am.
It fills my aura, a constant cloud of fluttering annoyance, a big yellow warning sign for the people around me:
DO NOT BEFRIEND THIS GIRL
I am filled with a hatred for myself that penetrates deeper than my skin, it is a black ball that hides within me and won’t leave.
I’m not sure I want it to.
I can feel the people around me becoming more and more frustrated by my antics.
A passive “hi” from the person I’ve just smiled my greeting to in a study room.
The change in atmosphere that a room has as I enter.
Every tiny detail I have learned to recognise in not only my friends, but in complete strangers.
I am annoying.
I bug people.
I am a distraction.
Nobody would ever say it to my face, of course, it’d be rude.
However I am not stupid.
I am very self aware.
I know that I am annoying but that makes it harder because I don’t know how to stop.
How to make amends to the opinions people hold.
How to change.
I say things sometimes, I speak without thinking, and sometimes these things spark the one comment that makes me feel both sick and tearful.
“You’re becoming like a certain someone”
The “someone” is a girl in my class. She is lovely but annoying as she doesn’t have the best array of social skills.
And if I am becoming like that then I am becoming even more of a disgusting excuse for a human than I already am.
I have been thinking, about my annoyingness and how much people must despise being around me, but do it anyway out of social niceties.
And I have decided
I will change.
Today was the thing that did it: I tapped a friend on the shoulder to say hi as I entered the room, she looked up, muttered a short reply and carried on with what she was doing.
You might think I am overreacting,
That she was simple just busy.
However, it happens all the time,
And after the 10th occurrence of this event, I realised the correlation:
Me.
My constant need for reassurance.
My craving for attention.
My disgusting personality.
And so, I will change.