So I decided to write a little post about motivation because it’s one of the main things that I’m starting to struggle with when it comes to OCD recovery. Exposures are difficult, they cause so much stress and anxiety and tears and I need every motivation possible to bring myself to challenge compulsions. Reasons to beat OCD is my therapy homework for the week, so here they are, my main reasons to beat OCD.
- Life would be so much easier.
OCD makes everything rather difficult, simple things feel 100 times harder when obsessions and compulsions are involved. Things that other people do without thinking seem nearly impossible when I start thinking about it. Sometimes I simply overthink to the point that a small thing, like going to a French lesson, becomes terrifying and causes a lot of anxiety. By doing exposures and getting into recovery, hopefully the smaller things will be a lot easier and life in general will feel simpler.
2. Improved Concentration.
I find it very hard to concentrate. School is becoming increasingly difficult because I feel pretty much no focus at all due to constant obsessions. Sometimes, the main problem isn’t even the obsessions, but I’m simply so exhausted from constant thinking that I can’t think straight. By gaining some control over my OCD I might be able think clearly and learn about the things I’m really interested in.
3. Going Out with Friends.
At the moment I’m a bit of a hermit crab, I pretty much stay at home unless I really have to go out. I watch the Snapchat stories of my friends, laughing and having fun at parties and other social events while I lie in bed watching Friends because the idea of going somewhere with more than 4 people in a room other than school is pretty terrifying. I feel like a failure of a teenagers because I’m 16 and I’ve never drunk alcohol or even gone to a party for that matter. Maybe with some therapy and a bit more progress, a night out with my friends will be on the calendar!
4. Being a Better Friend in General.
The only attribute I really care about obtaining in life is being caring and compassionate towards other people and through struggling with obsessions and compulsion I’ve lost that. I struggle to notice when other people are upset, which used to be a talent of mine. I used to be so much more empathetic but because I get so focused on compulsions now, I find that I’m less observant and it makes me so upset and angry. I want to be a good friend, to cheer people up and be a fun person to be around and I’m hoping that maybe soon that will be a reality.
5. Eating Healthier.
My OCD has meant that I have quite a few worries around food, and a lot of the foods I’m most scared of are fruits, meaning that the number of healthy snacks available to me at home are much more limited. This means that I tend to reach for chocolate and biscuits instead and I know I eat terribly. The one thing I want to be able to do for my own health is be able to get my 5 a day so that I can feel healthier.
6. Reducing the Worry for Family.
My family are fab, they’re hilarious and they make me so happy and the last thing I want to do is worry them. Only 2 of my 4 sister know about my OCD and the 2 that do don’t really understand it so struggle to react in ways that are helpful. My dad and step-mum try their best, and the main reason they struggle to understand is because I struggle to be open with them. I hate the idea that they worry about me, that they worry about whether I’m doing better or worse. By recovering, maybe I can reduce the worry for them.
7. Participating in Fun Things.
I do two science A levels, biology and chemistry. These two subjects involve a lot of fun experiments with cool outcomes that really show the theory in a way that makes it easier to understand. Practicals are really hard for me, chemicals and sharp objects trigger a lot of intrusive thoughts connected to both contamination and harm which make even touching the equipment almost impossible some day. I wish I could take part in everything in the same way that my classmates do, I wish I could show the same enthusiasm about science that my teacher shows, I wish I could have fun in the lessons that I chose for myself. Science is fun, the experiments are fascinating, I just need to overcome my fears so that I can participate and have fun myself.
8. Be Happier.
I’m a bit of a pessimist. I struggle to see the good in things because my head is completely clouded with negatives and worst case scenarios. I know for a fact that I can be difficult to be around sometimes because the only time I manage to be positive, it is usually in quite a sarcastic manner. My friends are all absolutely incredible and I could not ask for them to do anything more to support me, and I wish I could give back to them by being better company. Positivity is tricky sometimes, it can be hard to see the good in tough situations and the light in your darkest moments, hope is the one thing I have to hold on to. The hope that I can be happy in my own skin and happy in my home, I want to be happy more than anything and I know that the way to get there is through recovery.
So these are my main reasons to recover. Recovery is going to be hard, I know that. I know that it will probably contain some of the hardest things I have ever done but all I want is to be happy, I want to be more optimistic and have a positive outlook on life. I want to get better more than anything in the world so that I can have a happy, healthy life, so that I can go to university and study and learn and make new friends and experience everything I can. Listing these reasons has helped me to realise all the good that can come out of recovery and while the thought of exposures makes my heart skip a beat, maybe I’m ready to start real recovery.