I am in year 13.
At the end of this year I will sit my A levels – I am terrified but that’s a story for another day.
My friends are planning 2 holidays as a celebration of our freedom from studying and officially finishing compulsory education.
1 trip is 5 days camping by a beach in Devon.
The other is 5 days in a lodge at a holiday park.
Decisions have to be made this week as to whether I’ll go, payments have to be made in the next few days.
I am terrified.
The last time I set foot on a beach was a year and a half ago. And I was wearing wellies.
The last time I went swimming was a year ago with my Brownies unit – and I only did that because the fear of one of the girls drowning was completely unmanageable.
But for both of these holidays I will have to conquer one or both of these fears. I will have to go swimming at the holiday park – it’s one of the main attractions. I will have to walk along the beach – it’s pretty much the only thing to do there.
I want to go, I really really do, but I am absolutely terrified. My contamination OCD has come on leaps and bounds in the past few months – I no longer wear gloves at school, my hands aren’t anywhere near as dry as they were in my worst moments and I’m trying to take an active part in practicals in science without panicking about the chemicals. But that’s the thing – swimming involves immersing myself into a bath of chlorine and goodness knows what. To me it is a cesspit of bacteria, waterborne bugs that have the capacity to kill me.
Logically I know this isn’t the case.
But OCD knows that it is.
I used to find beaches incredibly relaxing. I used to love listening to the waves and playing with the sand. But that’s the thing – sand. It gets absolutely everywhere. It is uncontrollable and the thought of that makes me feel ill. 4 days after a beach trip I would find myself still brushing sand off my shoes and clothes and washing it out of my hair. To me it is millions upon millions of potentially fatal molecules, something sinister hiding amongst the rest.
Logically I know this isn’t the case.
But OCD knows that it is.
And here’s the thing – I don’t mind going and just not going to the beach or not going in the swimming pool. I know there will be plenty of other opportunities for me to spend time with my friends and enjoy myself. I’m sure they’re not planning on spending 120 hours in the sea or in the swimming pool – there are chances to go bowling or walking or cycling – but I hate the feeling of guilt.
The guilt that builds up when I know I’m being a downer (which happens a lot these days). When I can hear the strain in that last “it’s okay” as my friends begin to get more and more frustrated with my constant need for reassurance. When I know that I’m becoming a problem, becoming someone who people don’t want to invite out but know that social rules dictate that they must.
I am a burden and I know I am, I don’t want you to tell me that I’m not because I am. At least I recognise it – I suppose that makes me a better burden than some.
I don’t want my friends to have to feel responsible for me. I don’t want to hear “I’ll stay back with Izzy” in the tone of voice that says one thing but really means “I want to come with the rest of you”. I cannot stand the idea of ruining people’s fun, of being the reason somebody misses out on a brilliant time because they felt obligated to not leave me alone.
Because at the end of the day, in 20 years time they will all be doing brilliant things, I know that they will, and will probably all have forgotten about me. It’s okay, I can accept it. So I don’t want someone to miss out on making memories because of me, because that is not fair.
I do want to go, trust me I do.
I just don’t want to cope with the constant nagging in my head.
I just don’t want to be constantly wary of where my hands have been, what my feet are touching, when I last washed my hands and the rest of it.
I just want to have a good time with my friends.
After all, I missed out after GCSE because it would have all been far too much.
I just want to have a good time.
But OCD dictates that I can’t.